I know, I know. I am a horrible blog owner. This is not new news, I’ve always been bad at keeping up to date. It just takes so long to write out what is going on sometimes.
So while it is not new news, it is not bad news like it normally is when I take a break from writing on here.
If you are following my youtube channel (and if you’re not, why aren’t you??) than you already know this. I took a five month break from the diet in June after a trip to Vegas derailed me and I let myself spiral out of control as far as eating was concerned.
It’s been my pattern for years, so why should it have been any different this time right?
Welp, I reeled it back in late October and started implementing exercise in mid December. Aside from the occasional cheat weekend I’ve been on track ever since. I even went to Vegas for 11 days this month and stayed on track, losing a half a pound (you can check out my youtube vlogs on that trip here and here)!!
The unfortunate thing that has really helped with my weight loss was losing my job in November. It was sudden, mostly unexpected and it really threw me for a loop. Having said that, it was probably the best thing that could have happened to get me focused on my health and allowing me the time to put into my meal plans and exercise that I had been wanting to do.
I’ve been enjoying the time off but I have to say I’m reaching the point where I’m kind of needing more stimulation than I’m getting. I envied my husband when he got to work from home for a year during the first lockdown but I now see why he said it was taking a toll on his mental health.
Not having much social interaction other than my husband is getting to me. I never thought that would happen because as a general rule I pretty much hate people and prefer to stay in my house. Having said that, I can see why we as humans need some sort of emotional and mental connection with other humans. The problem is that I have been without a lot of it for so long that just being around a group of people for a couple of hours just exhausts me and takes me a couple of days to recover. It’s a double edged sword, but I know it is something that I have to work on if I expect to get back into the working world soon.
The other problem is that I feel like I have lost all my friends. I didn’t have that many to begin with, but I feel like I have isolated myself so much (starting with the pandemic and really intensifying the last few months) that I think that everyone has just given up on me. I don’t say this to solicit sympathy, I just feel like it’s a fact. It does get me quite down and I really don’t know what to do about it.
The truth is, I’m a pretty shitty friend. I don’t mean to be, but I’m aware that is a true statement. I hardly ever respond to texts or messages within the same day let alone right when I get them. I unintentionally ghost people and I really don’t know how to stop that. I get so caught up in my own head and all the crazy that is swirling around in there that I forget to put in an effort into my friendships. Why would anyone put up with that? I sure wouldn’t. And so I feel like they have all (justifiably) given up on me.
My few token efforts to try and rekindle friendships have mostly been met with indifference and I really can’t say I blame them. That is the worst part of it. I really have no one to blame but myself on this and that is a shitty thing to realize about yourself. I used to pride myself on being a great friend and now I feel like a failure. It would be nice to be delusional and put the blame on everyone else but that wouldn’t make sense. One or two people not wanting to be my friend anymore would be one thing, but everyone? Not so much. It’s a really crappy feeling when you realize you are the reason people don’t like you. People that used to actually care about you, really can’t be bothered with the way you are any longer. That stings, because I can’t deflect that.
It’s a lot to deal with and it’s been weighing heavy on my brain the last couple of weeks.
I suppose I could just start fresh and try to make new friends that aren’t aware of that icky side to me yet, but what good would that do? They would find out eventually and it would happen all over again. Besides, I LIKE my friends and I would really like to work on winning them back and becoming a better friend again.
My husband mentioned that his work offers five free counseling sessions. I’m seriously thinking about it. I’ve always done well with therapy when I’m conscious of the effort that needs to be put in and I actually do it. Maybe it’s time to realize that I’ve been in a slippery downhill slope mentally since the pandemic and mom dying and that I cannot handle it on my own any longer.
Exercise helps me on a day to day basis as far as keeping me functioning, but I think I need more.
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